Bananaman’s Weeaboos Adventure Shit - BWAS
Updated February 4, 2022 • Published October 29, 2021
35 minutes read • By Leon
This one-shot story is written by my friend, Leon. Enjoy.
Thanks to Leon for letting me put his story here. I really like the references, let’s hope he will give us more!
Chapter 1: Bananaman the Freeloader
(1)
“Guess this is where I freeload today? It is big and all but not as big as my toilet.” Me, standing at the entrance of the world’s best university——Harvard, saying. “Though the guard there will be a hassle but I could use my height as an advantage,” I said. For an 8-year-old, my height is just about right to vanish in crowds so no one will notice me.
Right when I was about to sneak through the entrance, a man called me. Crap! I was spotted. “What are you doing here, kid?” he asked me. I took a deep breath, cleared my throat, and replied: “I am maddo scientist, it’s so cool!!! Sunuvab*tch.” “This is America not Akihabara, no one will understand anime jokes” the man replied.
“The organisation must have made a move, he knows what I’m saying.”
“If you still keep on making Steins;Gate jokes I will throw you into the garbage disposal.” he said, with a straight face.
“*yawn* What happened?” a sleepy voice came from the guard house. “Toldya not to sleep during daytime. What are you, a phantom? Anyways we have a special guest here.”
The other guard looked at me, and asked: “You don’t look American, where are you from and what is your matter?”
“Err… I am from Vietnam. And I am here for my courses.”
“That explains why you’re so short.” Guard A mumbled. “Also you are Vietnamese? Can you do that classic? That rice field one?”
“The ‘Welcome to the rice field, motherf*cker’ one?”
“Yeah that one”
I felt very insulted: “What the f*ck did you just f*cking say about me, you little b*tch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in guerrilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are no-”
“Ok stop it, no one will want to read a story with copypasta.”
“Yeah it is super uncreative. What a bad author. Anyways, you saying you are here for a course?”
“Yes.” I replied.
“Where is your student ID?”
Shit!!! But I have foreshadowed this ages ago. From my 8 years of freeloading experience I have learned to adapt to everything. I handed out a card to them. Guard B took a look at the card and said: “So this is your ID? *yawn* Doesn’t look convincing does it. *yawn* What are all these bars and the black censor over your eyes?” “WHAT?!??!? I paid people on a website called Feverr to make this for 69 dollars!” I was shocked.
“Well let’s give you the benefit of a doubt and let you slip through this.” Guard A says, with sympathy all over his face. “So what course are you taking?”
“I am going for an English major,” I replied.
“Hmmm… Ok. Let’s play a little game. You just have to give me the definition of a word and you can get in.” Guard A says.
“Ok! Let the horse come!” I said, confidently.
“Give me the definition of the word ‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis’.” said Guard A.
I was silent. WTF is that word??!!?!? Does that f*cking thing even exist or is he bluffing??!?? Yeah it gotta be the second one. “You gotta be bluffing me.” I said, my sweats were dripping harder than ever.
“Man he is just a kid, and that should be closer to medical stuff as for being pneumonia,” said Guard B. “I’ll give you a redemption question. If you can’t answer this then leave the uni. What is the meaning of the word, ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’?”
“STOP MESSING WITH ME DAWG I GOT LEARN KUNGFU!!!!” I was seriously mad.
“Eh? I thought I’d gone easy on you. It is just the simple word ‘wonderful’.” Guard B, replied with shock.
“WHAT THE F*CK ENGLISH??!??!??!” I was super upset. The one that invented this shit should go drop dead – Oh wait they were dead already.
“Actually I am better at psychology.” I said, trying to regain my ego. I can’t let these two peasants shit on me.
“I see… Then let’s play another game. If you can guess that person’s gender I will let you through.” Guard A said, while pointing at a long-haired person walking towards the institute.
I thought to myself: That’s kinda hard. If this is an anime that person would most likely be a boy, but here is real life, so girl should be the best bet. However, they are Harvard. So I have to answered the opposite of the ordinary, which is — “A boy!” I yelled.
Guard A shook his head and just requested the student id from that person, then walked to me to show the card, whilst saying: “Trap is just your delusional thinking, she is a girl.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes, she is really a she.
“You know what f*ck y’all grown-ups. This time I set the rules. We are playing chess.” I said.
Guard B yawned, monotonously said: “Ok.”
Guard A brought out a chess set and the game was ready. “White or black?” he asked. “White.” I said, instantly.
Heh, chess is no different than tic-tac-toe to me. I’ve never lost to anyone in my daycare. This will be an easy match. Let’s see… f3 doesn’t look bad. Oh? He replied with e5. He has already lost. If I bring the g pawn up I will definitely be in advantage.
He looked at me, confusingly, then played Queen h4, and said: “Checkmate.”
“…” I was speechless.
“Rematch!” I requested. Guard A said: “Yare yare daze you spoiled kid. Ok then.”
“I will be black this time.”
“Whatever you want.”
This time I will learn from the last game. I will definitely win this! e4,e5,Nf3.Nc6,Bc4,d6,Nc3,Bg4 Now that I pinned your knight to the queen. What will you do? Huh? Knight takes on e5? Is he insane? Now it is a free queen for me, and I will gladly accept it! I couldn’t help but keep grinning, knowing that I will win with a queen up.
He had the same reaction as the previous guy, Then checked my king with bishop takes on f7. I can’t take the bishop because it was defended by a knight, so I guess what I can do is just move the king to e7. Not a big deal. “Checkmate.” he said, while moving the knight to d5.
“…”
“Now shoo shoo, don’t cause us trouble.” Guard A said.
“Then what about that cat there? Why can it enter but I can’t?” I tried to make an argument.
“Oh, that’s Professor Catsson. Looks like he is on his way to the main campus.” Guard B answered.
“So you saying a cat can be a professor and yet a child can’t even enter the campus? Are you guys racist?”
“That’s not the point, it has a verified ID.” Guard A said, pointing at its neck. There really is a card under the bell.
“Then what about the pigeons there?” I can’t reconcile here, I’d paid up all my pride here.
“Those are going to be used for anatomy, or perhaps the canteen.”
Aww man! That’s why I hate adults. They just always come up with the weirdest explanation.
“Whatever, I’ll just sit outside here until I come up with an idea.”
“As long as you don’t interrupt us, do whatever you want.”
I sat by the street, trying to come up with a brilliant plan to sneak in. Obviously I could try to fight them and get absolutely demolished. Or I can use something to distract them and sneak through. The problem here is that there is a long road with nothing to hide along. Or I can try to sneak along the crowd…
Right when I was still thinking, someone threw some coins in front of me. And then another one.
“Oh and also don’t take over the beggar’s business.” Guard A yelled loudly from the entrance.
I shouldn’t stay here any longer. I don’t want to be brought to an orphanage. Guess I would have to find another place to stay overnight and try again tomorrow.
“What sorta one-shot ends with to be continued?” Guard A said. “The author is a lazy piece of shit.”
(2)
I work as a guard at the famous Harvard. Don’t think there is any benefit other than for my mother to show-off with her Karren friends but eh, very cool. Recently there is this kid who is trying to get into the institute.
There he is again. I thought. “So what is your deal today?”
“ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ” He is with some sort of gangster today. That guy is kinda buffed not gonna lie.
“No doubt he is going for violence today I guess” my colleague, Joe said.
“Bōryoku wa kanarazushimo kotaede wa arimasen, bōryoku ga mondaideari, kotae wa tsuneni iesudesu (Violence is not always the answer, violence is the question and the answer is always yes).”
“Dude, his Japanese accent sucks,” Joe said.
I totally agree with him.
“Kyō watashi wa anata o hakai suru tsumoridesu watashi no Stando Powah (Today I am going to destroy you with my stand).”
“Can you stop with that shitass Japanese accent?” This kid really is hopeless.
“ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!!!!!” He yelled.
The buffed guy seems a bit bothered. But he still did what was told. Right when he was about to swing his fist, I figured this would work, so I said: “You can’t parse [X]HTML with regex. Because HTML can’t be parsed by regex. Regex is not a tool that can be used to correctly parse HTML. Of course I know this is the second time I have ever used a copypasta joke but no one will notice right? As I have answered in HTML-and-regex questions here so many times before, the use of regex will not allow you to consume HTML. Regular expressions are a tool that is insufficiently sophisticated to understand the constructs employed by HTML. HTML is not a regular language and hence cannot be parsed by regular expressions. Regex queries are not equipped to break down HTML into its meaningful parts. so many times but it is not getting to me. Even enhanced irregular regular expressions as used by Perl are not up to the task of parsing HTML. You will never make me crack. HTML is a language of sufficient complexity that it cannot be parsed by regular expressions. Even Jon Skeet cannot parse HTML using regular expressions. Every time you attempt to parse HTML with regular expressions, the unholy child weeps the blood of virgins, and Russian hackers pwn your webapp. Parsing HTML with regex summons tainted souls into the realm of the living. HTML and regex go together like love, marriage, and ritual infanticide. The <center> cannot hold it is too late. The force of regex and HTML together in the same conceptual space will destroy your mind like so much watery putty. If you parse HTML with regex you are giving in to Them and their blasphemous ways which doom us all to inhuman toil for the One whose Name cannot be expressed in the Basic Multilingual Plane, he comes. HTML-plus-regexp will liquify the nerves of the sentient whilst you observe, your psyche withering in the onslaught of horror. Rege̿̔̉x-based HTML parsers are the cancer that is killing StackOverflow it is too late it is too late we cannot be saved the transgression of a chi͡ld ensures regex will consume all living tissue (except for HTML which it cannot, as previously prophesied) dear lord help us how can anyone survive this scourge using regex to parse HTML has doomed humanity to an eternity of dread torture and security holes using regex as a tool to process HTML establishes a breach between this world and the dread realm of c͒ͪo͛ͫrrupt entities (like SGML entities, but more corrupt) a mere glimpse of the world of regex parsers for HTML will instantly transport a programmer’s consciousness into a world of ceaseless screaming, he comes, the pestilent slithy regex-infection will devour your HTML parser, application and existence for all time like Visual Basic only worse he comes he comes do not fight he com̡e̶s, ̕h̵is un̨ho͞ly radiańcé destro҉ying all enli̍̈́̂̈́ghtenment, HTML tags lea͠ki̧n͘g fr̶ǫm ̡yo͟ur eye͢s̸ ̛l̕ik͏e liquid pain, the song of re̸gular expression parsing will extinguish the voices of mortal man from the sphere I can see it can you see ̲͚̖͔̙î̩́t̲͎̩̱͔́̋̀ it is beautiful the final snuffing o*f the lies of Man ALL IS LOŚ͖̩͇̗̪̏̈́T A***LL IS LOST the pon̷y he comes he c̶̮omes he comes the ichor permeates all MY FAC*E MY FACE ᵒh god no NO NOO̼*OO NΘ stop the an̶͑̾̾̅ͫ͏̙̤g͇̫͛͆̾ͫ̑͆l͖͉̗̩̳̟̍ͫͥͨ*e̠̅s ͎a̧͈͖r̽̾̈́͒͑e not rè̑ͧ̌aͨl̘̝̙̃ͤ͂̾̆ ZA̡͊͠͝LGΌ ISͮ̂҉̯͈͕̹̘̱ TO͇̹̺ͅƝ̴ȳ̳ TH̘Ë͖́̉ ͠P̯͍̭O̚N̐Y̡ H̸̡̪̯ͨ͊̽̅̾̎Ȩ̬̩̾͛ͪ̈́̀́͘ ̶̧̨̱̹̭̯ͧ̾ͬC̷̙̲̝͖ͭ̏ͥͮ͟Oͮ͏̮̪̝͍M̲̖͊̒ͪͩͬ̚̚͜Ȇ̴̟̟͙̞ͩ͌͝**S̨̥̫͎̭ͯ̿̔̀ͅ”
That guy just fainted in front of me.
“Dude what’s up with your brain storage? Why can’t it even handle simple language? So weak.” I was totally speechless.
“MURIDAYO (IMPOSSIBLE) !!!” He seems very shocked.
“That’s not how you use that word. You should have used ‘bakana’. So please, please stop using fake-ass Japanese.” Joe said. “Also it seems like people do read the copypasta on the previous one.”
“That’s true I guess…” I admitted that. “How did you get this guy to help you anyways?”
Seems like the boy felt defeated. He is not even listening. “Ore no stando (My stand)…”
“I guess it is better to send you to an orphanage. Nah, a psychology hospital will be more suited for you.” Joe said, while pulling out his mobile phone.
He looked like he had just awakened from a dream. “Don’t you dare make that call you peasant,” he said – Maybe calling an ambulance is a wise choice. “I partially forced him to do it for me.”
“So you meant you had his family as hostage? Doesn’t seem like that, does it?” Joe and I weren’t convinced about that.
“Only peasants need hostages. I had his body pillow as a trade offer. You know, I was a businessman…doing business.” He said, proudly. I don’t even know who gave him the confidence.
“Fancy some bananas?”
“Bananas? Ewww. Those shit stinks.”
“They are from Japan though.”
“Gimme a box of those you peasants.”
He snatched the banana from my hand. This kid has no more hope.
“Eat slowly you monkey.” I said.
“Who the f*ck are you calling monkey??!!!!” He seems mad about that. “At least call me gorilla.” He whispered to me, softly.
“Ok bananaman.”
“Yo that name is lit!!!” He seems happy about the nickname. I can even see his eyes sparkled like shoujo anime characters.
“That being said, I don’t even know your names. Although I don’t feel like remembering two peasants’ names,” he said.
“Ok then, my name is Joe, call me Joe Mama” Joe said.
“Zoe it is. What about you?” He pointed at me.
“You sure?”
“I have never been so sure in my life ever!” He smiled like the sun. Oh well. Guess this kid sometimes got some cute moments too.
I smiled at him, took a deep breath and said: “My name is Jugemujugemugokonosurikirekaijarisuigyonosuigyomatsuunraimatsufuraimatsukuunerutokoronisumutokoroyaburakojinoburakojipaipopaipopaiponoshuriganshurigannogurindaigurindainoponpokopinoponpokonanochokyumeinocho-osuke.”
He just stood there, frozen. I guess this is what it is called, bananaman.exe is not responding. I guess this is the end of today then.
“Welp. One-shot becomes two-shot.” Guard A said. “The author is still a lazy piece of shit.”
Chapter 2: Bananaman and Christmas
(1)
Time: 4:45 pm
“What are you doing here? Isn’t it supposed to be Christmas?” Bananaman asked.
“Oh hi there Banananaman” I ignored his question.
“Don’t you dare ignore my question you peasant. And also you added an extra ‘na’.”
“Sorry, I bit my tongue.”
“No, you did it on purpose.”
“Sorry, I bit my tong.”
“It wasn’t on purpose??”
“I meant d*ng.”
“Hello, I would like to report a case of sexual harrassment in front of Harvard.”
“Anyways, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“HEY! THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE MY LINE!” He yelled. “I was planning to sneak in during Christmas since I thought no one would work at this point of time. Seems like there is an exception for a weirdo.”
“Oh, I see.” I ignored the fact that he insulted me.
“What about you, weirdo?” He asked again.
“As you can see, I’m working.” I answered.
“Why?”
“I need money.”
“But why don’t you enjoy Christmas?” He asked curiously.
“Christmas…” I sighed. “It’s just another day for couples to flirt around in public. It sucks to be single at those places.”
“Damn, it must be hard huh. Judging by how your eyes are rotting when you say that.”
“I sorta got used to it by now, but I will still avoid going to those places.” I said.
My eyes caught on Joe walking towards here. He looked like he had something to do with me.
“Yo!” He greeted me. “Wanna go play around during Christmas?”
“Can’t you read the atmosphere?” I have no idea what my face looked like at that time, but I’m sure that a dead fish would look the same as me.
“Just go with me. I even got a girl to go with me.” He said.
I felt like I was struck by lightning.
“Whyy…. Oh Jesus Christ why… Why did he get one first and not me….”
“Ah, I must have skipped something. She is not my girlfriend, or rather you also know her too. Let’s go pick her up at the kindergarten.” Joe tried to explain.
“FBI? Here is a paedophile, please come and arrest him.” Bananaman somehow got to the telephone booth without being noticed, perhaps because he is too short.
“No wait!!! I meant kindergarten because she works there, not that she is underage.” Joe hurriedly continued his explanation.
“Do I know anyone like that?” I wondered.
“You will know when you see her.” Joe said that while smirking. “Let’s just go then, you too, Banaman.”
“Is purposely saying a wrong name a trend now?” Bananaman said. “You are one sodium (Na) short. I will pass.”
“What about my work?” I asked seriously.
“I thought today is holiday? Wake up you corporate slave, no one works at this time.”
“I need money.”
“…All expenses are on me.”
“That’s a deal then.”
(2)
Time: 5:17 pm
A braided girl greeted us when we reached the kindergarten. Damn, she is all dressed up, and those things do stand out though.
“Hi~” She smiled sweetly. “Do you still remember me?”
“Err… You are that… Errr… Who are you again?” I was confused.
“So you forgot me!” She pouted. “I am Beth.”
“So you are Beth.” The moment of realization kicked in. “Wait, that Beth???”
“Yes!” She pointed at herself with her right thumb, then drew a straight line downward. “I am!”
She was my highschool classmate. I didn’t recognize her because of how different she looked back then. She used to have short hair, and her outfit was always pretty lame indeed.
I wouldn’t expect, nor do I want to encounter her here.
The main reason being, she is a yaoi. When we see her after school, she was either on her way to the bookstore to restock her BL collection or going home after buying all the stashes, and she was always at the back of the class, reading doujinshis with the grossest title you can imagine.
“Just making sure,” I confirmed a fact with her. “Are you still into BL?”
“Yes! Gay plus NTR plus incest are the best!”
“No one asked you about your favourite genre!” I felt like I was having a headache. “Then why did you choose this job?”
“Because I love seeing kids,” she made a weird pause. “…‘getting along’ too well. I am kinda aroused just imagine that…ha ….”
“Oi! Don’t mislead them.”
“Speaking of which, did you and Joe uhm, get along?” She whispered to me softly.
“As a friend, yes. As a boyfriend, no.” I rejected her naughty thoughts immediately.
“Aww… that’s unfortunate. I even got a new camera just to film you two being homosexual.” She said.
“Thank you for thinking so far ahead, but that precondition is wrong from the very start.”
“Then I’ll just tell Joe to be aggressive with you …hehe.”
She went straight to Joe after dropping that. It’s too late to stop her now.
A few moments later, Joe came towards me.
He is staring me into my soul. Just as I thought this might be a kabedon, he slapped me.
“Ouchh!!! Wtf are you doing???”
“She told me to be aggressive with you.”
“Not THAT kind of aggressive!”
“Then which kind?” He tilted his head, looking confusedly.
“Sometimes it is better to don’t know that much.” I calmed myself down. “So where are we going now?”
“Let’s go watch a movie. I’ll drive.”
“Okay.”
(3)
Time: 5:47 pm
I regretted agreeing for Joe to drive. Literally, can you slow down your Wheels of Fortune? I will gladly appreciate it.
I felt like I would throw up any second now. Fortunately, we reached the cinema sooner than I thought.
“We’re finally here,” Beth said while stretching her body. My eyes were attracted by some natural force. Is this the inevitable force of the law of attraction or something? I flunked up my physics anyway.
Somehow they decided to watch a horror movie. I was objecting to that idea from the start, but it was a 2v1 and I will be left in a massive disadvantage.
“I will sit on F4 and you two sit on E3 and E4.” Beth suggested.
“Can you at least hide your fetish somewhere please? There’s no way I am sitting beside him.” I made my objection.
“Don’t forget your fees are on me.” Joe reminded me of the ruthless truth.
“When did you join LGBTQ+?” I asked.
“I don’t. But I don’t like horror movies so I need someone beside me.” Joe said.
“Then why don’t you sit beside Beth?”
“Daga Kotowaru (But I refuse)” said Beth. “I decide here. If you have any problem, I will pay.”
“*sigh* Ok then.” I have no choice.
Little did I know, this is where the nightmare began.
Not only did I feel like someone was staring at me the entire show, but most importantly there was this guy who screamed at the top of his lungs throughout the entire show. Can you at least take care of your vocal chord? Why did you even choose to watch a horror movie to begin with? With that, I was already exhausted even though this is the very start of the schedule.
“Man, that’s a great show,” said Beth. Yeah, it is a feast for you because someone was clinging onto me the entire time.
“True.” Said Joe. “I am going to have a nightmare tonight.” Buddy, it is just you, not because of the show. How can you be so afraid over some silhouette?
“So what next?” I asked.
“I want to buy something at the shopping mall,” Beth said.
(4)
Time: 8:43 pm
Before we get into what happens next, let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor, Raid shadow legend- Ok I admit that waiting is too boring. Do girls always take so long to change clothes?
“Sorry for the wait~” Beth said, while opening the curtains slowly.
So you are wondering how did we get here? It all started a long time ago.
Actually not that long, like 45 minutes ago.
Rewinding the time by 45 minutes (with Bites the Dust), I was partially dragged to the shopping mall by Joe and Beth. Right after Beth got to try on some clothes, she has been in there for the past half an hour.
Joe then went off and explored the mall, and it is only me who is still waiting for Beth.
Snap back to present. Beth opened the curtains. She was wearing a Santa Claus costume. Naisuuu~~~~ “Don’t think it fits tho… it took me a long time just to put on.” I think I know why, there are two objects that are in the way. “Just get a bigger size if that happens, what’s the big deal?” I said.
She suddenly smacked me in embarrassment. “Wh-What are y-you saying?? I ha-haven’t been f-fat in the sl-slightest!! Th-this definitely fits.”
“Do whatever you want then.” I rubbed my cheeks. Damn, that’s a nice slap.
She went back and changed back to her original clothes. As I thought, nothing stupid happens, not like I want them to happen in the first place anyway.
Joe returned from his walk with a bag.
“What is in the bag?” I asked.
“Secret.” Joe said.
Joe didn’t seem to be telling me what it is, so I better off not going further in.
Outside the mall, there was a light show. It was really pretty.
“Now under the flashing lights and the feeling of romance, Joe will then confess his love and kiss him.” Beth said something creepy.
“That won’t happen.” I denied it.
“Yes it will! It is all written here.” Beth said confidently. She took out a notebook. The thing she said was written in the book. There’s even an entire story before that line.
“Since when did you write all of that??”
“The prediction made by my stand, The God of Knowledge, Thoth will always come true.”
“Isn’t Thoth a comic book?”
“Come on, go ahead and kiss. Don’t mind me. I will just sit back and film it.” She said.
“That’s not happening.”
Joe looked at me and approached me. I had a bad feeling about it.
“Yo where is my ca-” Before he completed his sentence, he got pushed by someone and fell forward. I would have caught him if not for what Beth just said.
“Are you alright?” I reached out to him. “Yeah very much.” Joe said.
Someone pushed me from the back, I couldn’t control where I was going and fell face to face on Joe. Dang it! I heard Beth clicking the shutter at her fastest.
“Kyaahhhhh!!!! Thank you for the feast!!” Beth said ecstatically. “Now I can continue my BL novel.”
“Since when did you become a novelist?” I asked while standing up.
“Right after highschool! I go by the name of Lisa Lisa and the protagonists are you and Joe!” She said.
“Her name is not Beth! Also please change the protagonists.” I begged her.
“Not happening.” She smirked.
“Let’s go.” Joe said while standing up.
(5)
Time: 9:15 pm
We didn’t go straight back to Harvard University, but we went to Beth’s house. I was sleeping the entire journey so I had no idea about that until we arrived.
“Now then, wear this.” Joe said, while giving me the bag with the things he bought earlier.
“What is this?” I opened the bag. It’s a reindeer costume.
“When did I agree to wear this???” I yelled.
“Wear it, or I will help you.” Joe said.
“Don’t I have any other option?”
“Not for corporate slave.”
“Ughh… Fine.” I really didn’t have any other choice.
Beth was already wearing the costume she bought earlier. I see now, they secretly agree for a weird play.
Right after I came out from the bathroom, I saw Joe in a Santa Claus costume as well.
“Why do both of you get to be Santa Claus while I’m a reindeer?”
“Don’t complain like a kid, corporate slave.” Beth said. “Besides, having Joe riding on you… Ehheh…” Her nose started bleeding.
We got into a guest room. From the looks of it, we were going to stay overnight in Beth’s house. Since this room was set up by Beth, it is not hard to imagine that she had set up hidden cameras beforehand if she knew we were coming over.
I immediately looked around the room after I got in. My eyes caught on the teddy bear by her bed, and saw a red dot flashing on the eyes. I went over to the bookshelves and looked around the books, all sorts of gross doujinshis were displayed on the rack.
“Man it is so nostalgic seeing this.” Joe said. “This room hasn’t changed much has it?”
“Yeah I don’t really change them that much, the only change here is that I have more doujinshis on the shelves now.” Beth said.
“That’s a childhood friend for you.” I said. I only met both of them when I was in highschool.
We then ended up playing Super Mario Kart and Smash Bros for the next entire hour.
Beth went out for a toilet break, and Joe also went out of the room to get some water. That’s when I knew my chance came.
The camera was at a position that it could almost cover the entire room. I acted like I was wandering in the room, and went straight to the teddy bear. Just watch me Beth, I will take out the camera with my right hand, and take out the memory card with my left hand. I will take a potato chip… and eat it.
She went back from the toilet, and came straight to me and asked me. “What did you do to my teddy bear?”
“I didn’t do anything, I had been wandering in the room the entire time trying to find some other interesting things.” I tried to play dumb there.
“Ok then, I trust you.” We went back to continue playing Super Mario Kart.
(6)
Time: 1:14 am
It was midnight, and I couldn’t fall asleep. The reason being, I felt like someone was watching me, and this scaredy-cat was still clinging onto me. If you are that scared of the dark, why won’t you get afraid just from closing your eyes?
More to that, I felt like someone was still staring at me. That really made me have insomnia.
About 5 minutes later, Beth came in. She walked to the bookshelf while saying, “Can’t believe he actually found out about the hidden camera, good thing I had set a back-up one here. He will never look here since my BL collection is around it.”
I was acting sleep the entire time until I overheard it. I couldn’t hold on anymore. I went up and snuck behind her, tried to take the camera away. Unfortunately, she turned around at the worst time ever.
“You are awake the entire time?” She was surprised.
“Err…” This is awkward. “Can you please delete the footage please?”
“Not until I upload it to Cloud Storage.”
“Dang it! Give me that!”
“Nope.” She said, while stuffing the camera into her clothes. I couldn’t get it now.
She left the room and went into her room.
“Let’s review the clip then.” She said. “Joe was definitely clinging onto him, so I will most likely get good materials for my novel.”
The footage was all dark.
“WHAT???” She was shocked.
“Pheww. I thought I’d double check if I placed the book correctly but it seems like I did.” I left a sigh of relief. “When I first entered the room the first place I checked was the bookshelf. I know you will think that I won’t look there because of all the BL doujinshis, however that won’t be the case if I saw something black between all of the books. Hiding the camera in a black book… What a smart move. You may have outsmarted me, but I have outsmarted your outsmarting.”
“Dang it! I thought I will take the chance and get more materials.” She sounded frustrated. “Next time I will stalk your guardhouse then.”
“You will get reported.”
Today’s results, I won. I announced that in my mind.
(7)
Time: 4:59 pm
On the other hand,
“Now it is the chance for me to sneak in!” Said Bananaman excitedly. “Man, I have been waiting for this moment for ages now.”
Bananaman snuck in right after the guard was away.
A cat started walking slowly towards him.
“Hmm this cat… Oh! Is that Professor Ca-Johnsson?” Bananaman remembered what he heard when he first came here. “Oh well, I’m going to pet it just for a little while. It won’t hurt right?”
Bananaman reached out his hand to pet the cat. The cat looked like it was enjoying it.
“Aww… He is so cute… Never thought it was a professor.” Bananaman said. “Oh yeah I’m gonna try the thing.”
Bananaman took a deep breath, and said, “Neko, repeat after me. Naname nanajyuunana do no narabi de naku naku inanaku nanahan nanadai nan naku narabete naganagame.”
The cat was looking at him, with no sign of speaking.
“Well I guess this cat can’t say human language then. Let’s move on.”
“Nyanyame nyanyajyuunyanya do no nyarabi de nyaku nyaku inyanyaku nyanyahan nyanyadai nyan nyaku nyarabete nyaganyagame.” A voice came out of nowhere.
“???” Bananaman looked backward. Professor Catsson was still sitting there, licking its fur.
“Yare yare daze. That scared me a bit.” Bananaman said. He continued to walk around the campus. Since it is winter, many buildings and facilities were locked. All it left was the dorm. “This place is so big, and yet there was not a single person here. It is starting to get cold here, better leave the campus now.” Bananaman looked at the lonely field, then walked back out of the campus.
“WHY IS MY SCREEN TIME SO LITTLE WHEN I’M IN THE TITLE???” Bananaman yelled.
Chapter 3: Bananaman and Fast Food
(1)
“So let me confirm one more time.” I said seriously.
“This is the fifth time you have asked this today. Go ahead then.” Joe replied.
“We’re at a McDonald’s right?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong?”
“Why are you wearing a suit?”
“It makes me feel like I’m eating at a fine dining restaurant.” Joe answered.
We were here waiting in a line at a McDonald’s nearby to grab some lunch. And I still couldn’t understand why he is always wearing a suit here.
I saw a short guy in the line. He was so short that I immediately recognised him.
“Ayo Nananaman. Can you even see the menu from here?” I leaned over and gently asked him.
“… My name is Bananaman not Nananaman,” he said.
“Sorry, I bit my tongue”
“No, you did it deliberately.”
“I bit ma tung.”
“It wasn’t on purpose?”
“Why would it be?”
“I can see clearly from here so don’t worry.” He dodged my question.
“Is it? What is on the first line of that panel?” I was not convinced.
“Don’t you dare underestimate my power you peasant. It is… uhm… Mac… uhmm.. Whatever that is.”
“It is a McChicken. Now I don’t even know if you are illiterate or too short or have bad eyesight in general.”
“Shut the f*ck up you peasant. At least I can still see yo mama’s *ss that clapped like cheeks.”
I decided to ignore whatever he said back there and moved on. I looked around the shop. There was a braided girl that was staring here since we entered the shop but I decided to ignore her.
“I would like two McChickens.” I made my order when it was my turn.
When Joe and I were waiting, I noticed that Banaman hadn’t made his order yet. So I decided to reach out to him. “Don’t have enough money? Or you don’t know how to order?”
“I am searching for bananas on the menu. Why is there only bread after bread here?”
“You won’t find them here. I can get one for you, do you want one?”
“I have no interest in the one under your pants or the one you are about to make.”
“What about this?” Joe somehow got into our conversation, he was holding a banana. Bananaman took it immediately.
“Wait, did you just take that out of your suit?” I asked.
“Yeah. If you want I also have a set of utensils, a mug, a goblet, a paper plate, a pen, a notebook, an alarm, a stopwatch, a ruler, some more stationery, airpods, some books and an MP3 player.” Joe answered.
“Is your suit some sort of Doraemon’s pocket or something that leads to a 4th dimension space?” I wondered.
(2)
The queue wasn’t that long, therefore we got our order fairly quickly. Just as Joe and I were about to find a seat, we made eye-contact with Beth. This is awkward now.
“Oh, hi Beth! Can we sit here?” Joe was just being blunt.
“Err… It’s alright.” She hesitated for a brief moment, but I noticed that. Obviously she wasn’t expecting to be noticed since all she wanted to do was observe Joe and I from the back.
“Woah- who is this beauty?” Bananaman gasped.
“You are-” she looked like she just understood something and started laughing. “Since when did you and Joe marry and adopt a child? Hmm. I’m going to write that down then.”
“Keep your expectations down, doujin novelist. He is just an acquaintance. You can call him Bananaman.” I explained.
“Reality is always disappointing, that’s why I decided to write novels for a living since I can change it however I want.” She shook her head.
“This is Beth, she was my classmate, and she loves BL.” I introduced Beth to Bananaman.
“What is BL?” Bananaman tilted his head.
“You better off not know that.” I answered him. I don’t want him to fall into the rabbithole.
“Why don’t you two sit down and eat?” Joe asked. He had already sat down and started to eat his McChicken.
“Why are you separating the burger?” I asked. He was eating the burger in a weird way. Instead of eating like a normal person, he separated the entire burger and started using his knife to cut the chicken chop. He also took a goblet and poured the coke in.
“Why do I feel like your meal looks tastier than mine even though we ordered the same thing?”
“It is just you man. They are the same.” Joe said, while putting some sauce on the bread and ate it. Somehow I felt jealous.
I looked at Beth. She was just drinking her beverage while typing on her laptop. It seems like she has used this place as a substitute for StarBucks.
“What are you ty- Nevermind that.” I was going to ask her what she was doing but I could already tell from the looks.
“Are you interested? I can give you some of my books so you can have an idea of what being ridden feels like.” She said.
“First of all, I’m not interested. Second, why am I the one on the defensive side?”
“Aww… That won’t matter. I already gave Joe stacks of my books so he already knows. I personally prefer the crane pose.”
“What the heck is a crane pose??!! Did you invent it??”
“Interested?”
“Not at all!!” I can’t handle this girl.
Nababaman was still staring at the menu while eating his banana. He seems interested in something.
“You want that?” I pointed at the banana ice-cream cone.
“Not at all.” He said. His saliva was dripping down like a waterfall.
“This is not a time for you to be a tsundere.”
“It-It’s not li-like I wa-want that or a-anything” His saliva had already dripped onto the floor.
“I will buy one for you, yes or no?” I asked him.
“… If you insist.”
I went to the counter and ordered the ice-cream. It didn’t take much time for the order to be ready.
“Here you go.”
“Thanks.” He said. Then he took out the ice-cream and threw the cone aside.
“Uhh… can I ask what you are doing?”
“Eating an ice-cream. Is your eyesight worse than mine, Mr. Good Eyesight?”
“Why don’t you eat the cone?”
“Only peasants eat things that aren’t made of bananas.”
I took my burger and added a bit of chili sauce in it before finally eating it like a normal person.
“Don’t you have any weird way of eating?” Joe asked me.
“Well I’m just an extra-ordinary person duh. What do you expect?”
“Lame.”
“Well, sorry for being ordinary.”
(3)
I finished my meal. Joe and Bananaman went to the washroom a while ago. The atmosphere was a bit awkward to say the least. I would have more things to talk about with Beth but at the same time I don’t want to hear her talking about BL every 5 seconds.
“Now that I think about it, you haven’t talked about yourself that much…” Beth started the conversation.
“What kind of backstory do you expect for a guard?” I kinda got relieved since she wasn’t talking about BL for once.
“Nah I just need materials for my story. I can’t figure out what sort of things to write for the main character so I just asked you bluntly.”
“You are being too blunt…” Just as I wanted to praise her, of course she would let me down, unlike Rick.
“Or do you have any interesting topics in general?” She changed her question. “Like how did you meet that kid? That Vananaman?”
“Oh, he is a weird guy.” I said. “From the first day I met him, he was like a total weeb. It just looked like he just came here right after rewatching One Piece.”
I took a break here to take a sip of my coke.
“And well, apparently he planned to sneak into Harvard.”
“Hmm… That’s an interesting idea. I got an idea now. I will write a story about a teenager who tried to get into a famous school and got guided by his senpai and ended up falling in love with him. Just thinking about that makes me all work up now.” Beth said. She stretched her arm and started writing on a blank page.
I also went to the washroom after talking with Beth. They really took their time there.
There were only two urinals, and I saw Joe and Bananaman having a mexican-standoff.
“What are you two doing here?” I asked.
“Shhh! We are still deciding who will use the urinal.” Joe said.
“Why don’t you use the washing closet? There is a toilet bowl there.” I suggested.
“Only cowards/peasants use the toilet bowl for urination.” They said at the same time.
“So how are you two deciding?” I asked.
“We settled for a rock-paper-scissors contest. This is the 15th round. C’mon! Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Noooo! It is a draw again!!” Joe yelled.
“It’s not like I am acting smart or anything, it is just that I’m surrounded by a bunch of idiots.” I mumbled and went straight towards one of the urinals.
(4)
I got back from the washroom. I reached out to the coke I placed before entering the washroom, but my beverage was gone. There was just Joe’s goblet with two straws. I immediately knew the culprit to this shenanigan.
“Could you please not do this? Where is my drink?” I asked Beth.
“There.” She pointed to the goblet.
“That’s not my drink.”
“Yes it is. I just poured it in.” She said nonchalantly.
“… ” This b*tch. I guess I won’t be having any coke for the time being.
“Now, I bet you are very thirsty right? So you will drink that.” Beth said. “If you do so it would be an indirect kiss. There is no other form of edible liquid around here, so that leaves you no choice.”
“I-If I drink that, I won’t feel thirsty at all…”
“That’s right, so drink it.”
“But I refuse! One of my absolute favourite things to do is to tell someone who I think is strong, ‘no.’ I can just endure the thirst for a bit and get some drinks on the way back.”
“Mannnn~~~~” She pouted.
Joe and Bananaman finally came out from the washroom. Maybe they just felt stupid to continue the stupid contest or they no longer want to use the toilet.
“Man, why did we even start that contest in the first place?” Joe said. “Now I no longer want to pee.”
“Me too,” said Bananaman. I guess that’s Bingo.
Joe took a sip of his drink. Beth suddenly started laughing like a psychopath.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked. This girl is so much better if she could shu-, no, have her mind washed.
“Ahh.. I was just happy that I managed to get some inspiration. What just now Joe took a sip on is your straw.” She answered.
“I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There’s no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it’s sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of a BL-free-world – it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only more acute. I want to die. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin.” I mumbled.
“?” Bananaman and Joe looked confused.
“I’m going now.” I was super gloomy.
“Wow, did the author just decide to ignore the main character?”
YES! YES! YES! YES!
YES!
Chapter 4 And Thus, Bananaman Stops Dreaming
(1)
“Where am I?” I found myself in a complete emptiness. Whitespace. There was nothing on the horizon, nor was there anything beneath me. There were only some clouds over my head, but there was no presence of the Sun. I myself don’t even know how I am standing over nothing.
“This place looks kinda familiar, maybe I should just wander around to see if I can discern where this place is and make my escape.”
I kept on walking forward. There is still nothing anywhere. Nothing is everywhere.
“Damn this place will definitely be loved by nihilists, but sadly I’m only a narcissist. The nothingness of this place is actually creepy.”
A silhouette showed up on the horizon. I ran over like I’d witnessed god. As I was running towards the silhouette, it became more and more vivid. There was a chair with a kid sitting there, from the look of his posture he looked like he had gone through a lot of trauma. A cold breeze slowly blew by.
“Hey! What is this place?” I yelled.
I received no reply.
“Oi you peasant! You there! You deaf ah?” I yelled even louder.
There was still no response.
“This motherf*cker thinks he is noblesse huh? I’m boutta end this man’s whole entire career.” I walked towards the kid.
“Oi kid! Where the f*ck is this pla-” Wait, I think I heard something.
“Who is that inside me?” The sound was soft, but I was sure that someone was singing. It didn’t seem like it was that kid.
“This place… Hold on a second, I am sure that I had seen this before.” Deja vu kicked in. I remembered now, this scene just resembles a show that I was familiar with, but I couldn’t figure out the name of the show. All I know is that that kid’s name should be called Kaneki.
I started walking towards him again just to confirm that. But this time, I stepped on nothing. It was completely different from what I experienced since I was here, this time there was literally nothing here. I started falling.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” I had no idea if I would even reach the bottom of this shit, or rather I didn’t even know there was an end to this thing. I closed my eyes, at the start I was thinking about a hell bunch of things but eventually I stopped thinking.
Suddenly I stopped feeling that I am free falling. It didn’t even feel like I had reached the bottom. I opened my eyes, my vision was a bit blurry but all I knew was that I was no longer in that emptiness void.
(2)
“What in the world was that?” I asked myself. My fuzzy vision had finally returned to normal. I still have no idea where I am. Surely this is a normal room, with a small bed and a small table. I’d say this place is more like a hotel room. Still, I had no idea why the heck I am here.
“Well for now I guess I should just sleep and forget about everything.” The bed felt more and more comfy the more I looked at it. I felt like the bed was trying to suck me into it.
I lay on the bed. Sleepiness immediately filled my brain.
“..zzz…zz..zzzz…”
It was a miracle that I didn’t have any dreams. I swore to god I had a dream every single time I went to sleep no matter how long I slept.
As I was sound asleep, an irritating noise came out of nowhere. An alarm was ringing. Reluctantly, I woke up to find the alarm.
There was an alarm on the small table.
“Was this here the entire time? I am too lazy to think anyways. Just gonna turn it off and go back to my slumber.” I turned off the alarm, and went back to sleeping.
No long after I got on to the back, the alarm started ringing again.
“Did I snooze it instead of turning it off?” I was confused. I took out the battery of the alarm. Now there is nothing that can stop me from sleeping.
The alarm started ringing yet again. This shit is pissing me off.
“Dang you lil’ sht can you shut the fck up for f*cking sake???” I said, while furiously smashing the alarm onto the wall. The alarm fell apart completely.
“Now I can finally sleep in peace.” Sure enough, this would be enough to stop that thing.
“BRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!” The alarm returned with a different ringtone. I woke up frustratedly. HOW THE HELL IS THIS SHIT STILL HERE???
“You know what, f*ck this room I’m leaving.” I went out and opened the door. The moment I stepped outside, the alarm stopped ringing. I felt like I found freedom. The moment I closed my eyes to try to embrace and enjoy the peace, the annoying alarm was back again.
“WAIT WHAT??? I THOUGHT I WAS FREED???” I opened my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was back on the bed, the door was shut like no one had ever opened it before.
“For f*cking sake what is happening???!!!” I jumped out of the bed to reach out to the door. The moment I stepped outside I was back on the bed. I couldn’t hold it anymore. All it left for me to do is just close my ear and pray for a miracle.
Miracle might have happened. This time I didn’t hear any alarm noise but I was too scared to open my eyes to confirm it.
(3)
“This is your captain speaking…” Soon enough, I heard a voice. I opened my eyes in fear. I was no longer in that weird hotel room. There were some guys sleeping besides me. I was on some sort of commercial airplane. “…Hope you all have a good time at your destination, Egypt.”
“Well this seat looked comfy enough. Guess I will just get some rest to escape the trauma of the alarm.”
The seat was just not comfy enough for me to fall asleep.
Some dudes were making a fuss behind me but I would just ignore it. Kinda think they mentioned the word “stag beetle”.
A few moments later, the passenger beside me just passed out. No, he was dead. His mouth and the back of the seat was impaled by something.
“Man not this sh*t again.” I closed my eyes. How long do I have to endure all of this? I have no way of knowing.
I opened my eyes again. I was no longer on a plane. This time I found myself in a town.
This town looks pretty old. It looked like I was in a rural area.
I wandered around the town. There were Owson, Soba Shop Arisugawa, Kisara Drugstore etc here.
I continued walking. Suddenly an object caught my attention. There was a lime underwear hanging over the bush.
“Dang, how did this thing get here? Maybe I should search for its owner.” I reached over to pick up the underwear.
“Killer Queen has already touched that underwear.” This thought came into my mind. The next thing I knew, I was in an alley. I recognized this place. All I know is that I couldn’t look back no matter what.
“God dammit not again!” I felt helpless. Everything just unfolds like a breeze. Just hope that everything will be fine after I close my eyes.
I opened my eyes. I was out of the alley. But I still can’t tell where I am right now.
“This is…train track?” Oh god please don’t tell me this time it is the train question.
There wasn’t anyone on the road, nor was there any one with a lever. There wasn’t even a single intersection.
“Still, where am I?”
I noticed that I had a watch on me. I don’t have any idea since when did I have one. The watch ain’t moving at all. It looked like it was broken.
A monkey figure in a raincoat showed up in the distance. It was charging towards me menacingly.
“FUCK!” I tried to block with both of my hands. I closed my eyes as I obviously don’t want to see myself blown miles away by a monkey.
The impact didn’t happen.
The impact didn’t… happen?
I opened my eyes. Everything was different once again.
(4)
Why am I here?
Why is all of these happening?
These questions were still stuck inside my head. Everything is just too bizarre.
It was that whitespace again. All I wanted now is just a place to sit and escape from whatever the f*ck was going on.
There was a chair up in the horizon, I walked there and sat down.
“Hey! What is this place?” A sound came from afar. I just didn’t have the energy to reply at all.
“Oi you peasant! You there! You deaf ah?” If I have enough energy I would definitely told that guy to shut the f*ck up. But now I am just too busy pondering.
“Oi kid! Where the f*ck is this pla-” Watch now, your next line is going to be “This place… Hold on a second, I am sure that I had seen this before.”
“This place… Hold on a second, I am sure that I had seen this before.”
It surely is boring to know what happened next. Everything was going as scripted: That guy, aka me screamed at the top of his lungs.
I had no idea what I am supposed to do now, perhaps staying here isn’t a big of a deal after all. As I was thinking, I slowly lost my consciousness. I just felt like the whitespace suddenly looked darker and darker.
(5)
“Bananaman! Oi!!! Bananaman! If you don’t wake up right now I will just throw you to an orphanage.” I heard a familiar voice.
“Where am I?” I asked. It was that familiar face. I am not sure if I should call this reality or not.
“Harvard,” he replied. “I found you passed out on the entrance there so I just brought you to the guardhouse. You ain’t waking up no matter what tho.”
“Oh thank goodness I’m finally out of that nightmare.”
“?”
“Nah nothing. I was just talking to myself.” Guess now I can confirm that this is reality.